Loving in Secret
by Ismir
Summary: Kyle has had the longest crush on his super best friend Stan, which began in high school and dragged on to college. However he can only bring himself to love him from afar while he dates Wendy. But what happens when Stan is suddenly single and over Wendy, and Kenny finds out kyles guilty secret? Read and find out ;)
1. Chapter 1

A/N Hey guys so I had to take out my last story cuz I didn't really know where I was going with it. This new story however I planned ahead and already know what the purpose for it is. Anyways once finals are done I'll be able to really started writing again, but I wanted to leave you guys with this. Also if you really liked my last story which I took out, I might still put it up, but I'll have to change some things to make it work. I sort of know what I want to do with it now and I definitely don't want the idea to go to waste. That being said enjoy.

P.S this is a Style! (I also have another Bunny idea that I have been planning as well, but I'll see how that one goes).

Chapter 1

Kyles' POV

"Ughhh"

I turned over on my belly and buried my face on my pillow while groaning. I tried to ignore the familiar, and at the moment obnoxious, ringtone of my cell phone, canon in D, but whoever was calling was not taking a hint. Irritated I reached blindly toward my desk and searched for my Galaxy 3 device. After successfully knocking off my alarm clock along with my three criminal justice textbooks I found my cell phone. I promptly positioned it on my ear; my face still buried in the softness of my pillow, and asked (sounding much like Kenny) "Do you know what bloody time it is?" Already knowing who was on the other line.

"Nice hearing you too super best friend!" he slurred his words then giggled, a sure sign he was drunk and some. I sluggishly turned over in bed and sat up, my new found worry stronger than my desire to rest and I hated myself for it. I wish I could just blow him off like I would any other person, who would DARE interrupt my slumber, but I couldn't, he wasn't other people.

"Dude, where the hell are you?"

The line went quiet then and I had to strain to hear his next words. "Why does she always do this to me Kyle?" he let out a heart wrenching sob, but before I could comment he was giggling like a fool once more. "I forgot my keys could you open up for me?" I held my cell phone in front of me and stared confusedly at the glowing screen before bringing it back to my ear and sighing.

"Is 3 AM dude and weren't you with Kenny?" I asked getting off my butt and slipping on some flip-flops and a green hoodie before heading out to open the door. "Pfffft that jerk left me for some random chick! But that's gushi I guess!" Yup that sounded like something Kenny would do and "gushi" something a sober Stan would never EVER say.

Once in the doorway I swung the door open and in came Stan stumbling in like a hot mess. "Kyle I missed you! You should have gone with us to the party" He said while wrapping his arm around my head as he was taller, smothering me in the process. As soon as I got a sniff of him though, I knew he was a goner. He reeked of alcohol and one night stands. I wiggled out of his grasp and shifted us so his arm hanged comfortably around my shoulder and I was supporting him. "Sorry, I really wanted to make a complete fool of myself and get wasted, but my mom would kill me." I said, sarcasm dripping from my words, but of course he was so far gone he didn't noticed. "Don't give me that! We are in college our parent can't tell us shitty shit shit!" I decided against responding to his drunken outburst and instead made my way to the coach.

Once there I sat him down and turned on the thin plasma hovering on the wall across from us. After scanning through channels, I settled for adult swim and took my place beside him hoping he would eventually doze off as usual. We sat in silence for a while, him fighting a lost war with sleep and me watching him from the corner of my eyes. He looked worn out. His eyes were bloodshot and he had bags under his eyes that made him look like a dead man. He threw his head back on the couch then and closed his eyes. After a brief debate in my head I decided to just ask him the question I had been dying to ask since he got back.

"It was Wendy again wasn't it?"

It didn't take long after that before he was crying on my shoulder, tears trickling his face. I knew I had made a mistake and I tried to comfort him the best I could as the "good friend" I was. I knew he liked it when I rubbed his back in small circle so that's what I did for the next 20 minutes until he fell asleep in my arms. I laid him on his back on the sofa so if he vomited he wouldn't choke in his sleep and quickly brought a blanket from my room to cover him with.

"You freaking idiot, why are you so endearing even when you're drunk?" I whispered to an empty room while trying to glare at his sleeping form and not doing a very good job at it. Who was I kidding? I couldn't stay mad at the guy especially when he was like this. He looked so peaceful and innocent dreaming which was ridiculous since he was anything but.

I proceeded to check his pulse looking for signs of alcohol poisoning and relaxed when his pulse was normal. Next I took his hands to examine them and let out a breath when they were not tainted blue, another sign he was going to be okay. Then I move to his lips, they were not blue either, but a soft rosy color that had me hooked like a drug addict. So much that I couldn't help skim over them with a hesitant finger. They were soft to the touch and before I know it I was brushing my own with his, a ghost of a touch. I immediately felt guilty and pulled back, distancing myself from him as much as I could. I couldn't do this to Stan. He trusted me. I was his "super best friend" for God sakes plus he was straighter than a pole.

I glanced his way then and made up my mind.  
Tomorrow I would make him tell me what happened that got him like this.

A/N Please leave comments cuz they are my motivation to write and no be lazy. Constructive criticism is always welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N I am still on finals week, but I decided to upload a short chapter for you guys.

Chapter 2

I stood in the middle of the kitchen in front of the breakfast table where Stan sat with a porcelain cup in his hands. "So?" I inquired expectantly, concern tinting my voice. He seemed unfazed by my meddling as he sipped the vanilla coffee I brought him from Starbucks from when I went out that morning. When he was done he glanced at me and heaved a weary sigh.

"She broke up with me again, and you know what Kyle? I am done." He stated firmly and I was surprised at how defeated he sounded. His words were empty like the pockets of a homeless man and it broke me inside to see him like that. I wanted to hold him close to me and comfort him, but I decided against it and instead gave his shoulder a light squeeze. He offered me a crooked smile in return that didn't quite reach his eyes.

I hated that she had so much power over him. Wendy had the flair of filling him up with hope and then deflating him like a hot air balloon in the span of one hour. The girl obviously didn't know what she wanted which is why they dated on and off throughout the years. It was a wonder to everyone how they managed to dragged their relationship on for so long and all the way to college. To be completely honestly I wouldn't mind if they broke up. I am tired of being Stan's shoulder to cry on whenever he gets hurt (by Wendy) and by that I mean I am tired of seeing him get hurt period.

"Thank for taking care of my drunken ass last night" Stan said bashfully, breaking the silence, and had the decency to blush. I could sense there was something more he was not telling me, but I decided not to force it out of him. He would tell me when he was ready.

"Any time, you are quite entertaining when you are under the influence." I winked at him and he smirked. "I don't even want to know" he mumbled and right then Kenny entered the kitchen still in his PJs, his sun kissed hair a sleeping mess.

We had decided after graduating South Park high to rent a second floor and pay it between the three of us and so far it had worked out pretty well. The house was close to Colorado State University, work, and the community college Kenny was attending. Stan was studying chemical engineering, I was studying criminal justice and Kenny was majoring in psychology. But most importantly we had finally ditched that narcissist, bullshit talking, Jew hating, fat ass (Cartman) who decided to dorm at the university, thank God.

"Morning dude...Kyle" Kenny greeted Stan with a nod then looked pointedly at me, smirking slightly. What the hell? Creepy much.

"Dude! What happened to bros before hoes!?" Stan exclaimed abruptly, throwing his arms in the air and frowning indignantly. Kenny opened his mouth only to close it again, carefully thinking over his next words, before saying "She was a babe! And I got her number, umm can someone say score?" We both stared at him like he was the biggest idiot on the planet and maybe he was last night. "Oh come on!"

"What ever dude, I got to go. See you guys later" Stan stood up from the table to leave, but not before giving Kenny a shove on the shoulder and muttering "bitch" under his breath.

It was just me and Kenny then and I felt slightly uncomfortable with the way he was looking at me as if he knew the secrets of my soul. "That was nice of you, taking care of Stan last night and giving him your blanket." He said after a while as if he was talking about the weather or any other trivial matter. "How the hell do you know…" and then it hit me like a bad hangover that he had come home last night and probably saw everything. My face heated up and I was sure I looked like a tomato if not the blazing sun. "How much did you see?" I asked terrified, eyes wide as saucers. I was really hoping he would lie and say he saw nothing, but knowing Kenny the chances of that happening were nonexistent.

"Oh you know, just enough to know you totally have the hots for Stan." He leaned his back on the counter and crossed his arms smirking. At that moment I would have been more than happy if the earth had opened up and swallowed me whole.

I slumped on the chair closest to me suddenly feeling faint before directing my attention to him again.

"Promise me you won't say anything Kenny." I whispered on the verge of tears and his blue eyes soften.

"I would never do that Kyle. But you should really tell him how you feel, is unhealthy to bottle up your feeling like that...and I sound like a chick, I know."

I couldn't help, but smile at that, it was really weird seeing Kenny so serious for once. He was usually laid back and happy-go-lucky, but this side of him was nice too.

"I can't he only sees me as a friend, his straight remember? Plus he has Wendy."

"He had Wendy, as in past tense and you don't know for a fact his straight. Maybe he doesn't love you, but he definitely likes you Kyle. Trust me dude. He just doesn't know it himself..."

He continued talking, but all I could hear was the loud thumping of my heart filling every corner of my being, with a strange new emotion. It scared the shit out of me, but it wasn't necessarily a bad one. It was much worse than that. I knew this ancient and useless feeling. This feeling, it was…hope.

A/N There you guys have it, please comment and fave so I know I am doing something right Lol.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N guys sorry for the late update I been so busy with finals, but I am finally done and on vacation so yay!

Chapter 3

Kyle's POV

**Wednesday**

I hate diaries and will forever refuse to have I figure since things are getting a lot more awkward around here might as well write down the experience on paper, in a _journal_.

Ever since my conversation with Kenny I've been feeling guilty whenever I see Stan, as if I am hiding something from him. I mean, I technically am. I have been keeping things secret from him since high now that Kenny knows about my feelings for him it just feels wrong somehow.

ugghh

This is all Kenny's fault.

Who asked him to stick his nose in my God damned business?

Well at least it wasn't the fat ass finding out or I would be completely screwed. The thought almost makes me feel better, _almost_.

**Thursday**

Kenny is pissing me off.

Now every time Stan enters a room with only the two of us (me and Kenny) he stands up and leaves. He freaking leaves.

"No, Kenny that is not obvious at all" (note the sarcasm?).

But what I hate the most is when we are all in the same room. Kenny will glance between me and Stan. Then his teal orbs will settle on me and he will give me this look. A look that tells me he can see right through me, that he can most likely read minds, which is uncomfortable to say the least.

When he does it I furtively kick him on the knee if we're on the breakfast table or punch him on his lap, close to his crotch, if we're on the couch. The damn idiot only laughs.

Poor Stan he must be so confused or more likely, creeped out by us.

Good thing I don't take what Kenny says to heart or I would be going crazy by now.

**Friday**

Okay so I have something to admit. I wasn't being completely honest when I said I don't listen to Kenny. What he said three days ago (that I might have a chance with Stan) is bothering me a bit. Actually is all I can think about lately. But it's just too good to be true and besides I _ know_ Stan only sees me as a friend. He doesn't really like me in that way….right?

**Saturday**

I need to act as normal as possible around Stan. I can't let Kenny get to me. I have to stop blushing and forgetting how to form coherent sentences when he is around. I need to be his friend, not try to get in his pants. From now on I will be a normal friend and everything will be how it was before Kenny saw…_that_ .

**Sunday**

Today Stan invited me to dinner and no, it wasn't a date. He wanted to thank me for tending to him when he was drunk and heartbroken the other night. I thought it was sweet of him and agreed, thinking it was going to be your typical going out with the guys' thing.

The night was going fine until Stan told me the real reason why he had been so dejected the other night (when he came home drunk). It seems things weren't going so well with Wendy and shit went down…long story short he got cheated on with none other than Eric fucking Cartman.

Cartman is always screwing us over, but this time he went too far. When Stan confided his problem to me I just wanted to smash Cartman face in and break his fucking nose. I was furious. In comparison Stan was as calm as a breeze and reassured me he was over her, but I could see the stricken pain in his eyes and I lost it.

I grabbed him by his necks and smashed his lips with mine.

It was quick, chaste and perfect.

When I pulled back to look at him however any hope I had vanished when I saw his eyes. Reflected in them were the already present emotions of pain and dejection, but now thrown in the mix were confusion, surprise and what really stabbed at my heart, fear.

I got up from the table grabbing my coat and keys, and left without another word. He didn't chase after me. He was probably too shock to even move.

Once outside I maneuvered my car out of the parking lot and I drove without a destination, eager to be as far from him as human possible. I could not stand being in the same room as him and those eyes any longer, so I just drove. I drove because I could. I drove until the tears became too much and they blinded me from the road, forcing me to stop. Then I just cried.

Everything is ruined and I think I lost the best friend I ever had.

A/N There you have it guys comment and like for more. T^T Also I am looking for an editor that will edit for free (I am broke), anyone interested?


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Hey guys, sorry I haven't been updating lately or at all for that matter. I was a bit depressed, but now I am better and ready to write. XD Also thanks to the people that offer to edit for me.

Chapter 4

**Not long after I** left the restaurant in my green convertible it started pouring like mad. Thankfully I stopped near a desolated children's park after the tears became too much, not really feeling like crossing the line of Colorado.

After somewhat calming down I mentally kicked myself. I hate crying, it makes me feel like a little kid. I am a rising an adult not a child. I force the tear back, sniffling softly now and then to my displeasure. The noise breaking the silence in the car each time.

Once I am sure I am not going to have another episode. I hold the inner mirror towards me and check my reflection. I look like a mess. My eyes are bright red around the green, with my red curls sticking out at odd angles, and I am pale, well more than usual anyways. I look like one of those ginger zombies Cartman is always going on about. I clench my jaw. Jesus, just thinking about his fat ass gets my blood boiling. Deep breaths Kyle, deep breaths. In short, I look like crap and I feel like such. To top it all off I am pretty sure I am lost.

Groaning I drop my head on the steering wheel, accidentally hitting the horn and causing a long obnoxious honk to sound, not that I care. I merely grip the steering wheel tighter and shut my eyes, my face scrunch up in frustration. I have no more tears left in me to cry and now I just feel angry, mainly at myself for being so naive and thinking Stan could actually like me as more than a friend.

As I sit motionless in the car I can hear the raindrops assaulting my windshield like millions of tiny bullets calming me down, yet at the same time, I can't help feel as if the universe had suddenly turned against me.

First I kiss Stan and Kenny finds out, then he gets me all riled up, I discover Cartman is a bigger asshole than I ever thought possible and finally I kissed Stan again, but while his conscious and I just leave. I leave. Wow. I am truly an idiot. He must think I am disgusting and a lousy friend. My forehead makes contact with the horn once again, summoning another honk. Why am I so stupid?

I pause.

Wait, that´s not right. This is all Kenny´s fault. I abruptly rise up and pulled out my phone with new found anger. I jab at the keys furiously and press send , then turn off my phone not really in the mood to talk to anyone.

Even though in the text I cursed everything Kenny stands for, deep deep down I know is not his fault, I just need someone to blame as bad as that sound.I start the engine and press the accelerator. For the first time in my life I need a drink.

-/-

**I wander into a** random bar/restaurant and it's surprisingly homey, with soft yellow lighting, modern music and a cozy lounge area. Also driving here I realized I am not as far away from our apartment as I thought. So is even more surprising that I haven't been here before. It must be new. I instantly make my way to the bar and order a beer, sitting in an isolated corner by myself.

A few minutes later a highball glass is place in front of me.

"Here's your beer!"

I can't really see the bartender in the dim light, but I can tell his young by his voice as weird as that sounds. His eyes shine with cheerfulness and I can't help feel a little irk at his happiness. I thank him anyways and even force a smile on. I mentally pat my back.

I take a test sip of the piss like liquid and it burns at my throat. Nevertheless, I force it down in one go, the burning sensation moving to my belly as a result. I don't really like to drink, but I can hold my alcohol like a champ unlike _some_ people I know (Stan).

I feel tears, I didn't know I had left, start to sting the back of my eyes at the thought of Stan. I need to see him and tell him to forget about the kiss. Make it clear that it didn't mean anything even though it did, to me at least. That way, we can pretend it never happened and then maybe, just maybe, things can go back to normal.

Even though I think this, I know is wishful thinking, not to mention that I am terrified of seeing him and those piercing oceanic orbs. What if he looks at me with hate and turns his back at me? I shake my head in disbelief. Even I don't believe that, Stan has never been a homophone or the kind of person to do that to a friend. But then again What does the Jew know?

The beers keep coming and after the third one I stop counting.

I should have probably stopped when I started seeing double or maybe when my vision became blurry, if not, most definitely when I started going on and off between consciousness and unconsciousness...

-/-  
**I stir around **in bed and can't help feel like it got a hundred time more comfortable. Still trying to hold on to sleep, I grab what feels like a big teddy bear next to me and hug the living lights out of it, so soft...that when it hits me, when did I get a teddy bear? I sit up and rub my eyes, Looking around I realize this is a completely different room from mines. Not only that, but there is someone else in bed with me. I jolt off the bed with a scream and fall backwards on the floor with the gigantic stuff bear on top of me.

"Kyle? you awake?"

A blonde young man with baby blue eyes pokes his head out from the edge of the bed to look at me, rubbing the sleep off his big innocent eyes.

"Butters?" I recognize him instantly and almost simultaneously I register his voice.

"You are the bartender from yesterday?" He smiles amusingly and "mhms" in response.

"Oh my God, did we..." I gesture between him and me, face flush.

At first he looks confuse, but then realization of what I said sinks in and he shakes his head furiously, blushing.

"Oh gosh no, you passed out on the bar and since I didn't know where you lived I took you to mine and Eric's shared apartment. I only realized it was you after the lights were turn on near closing time." I confirm he's telling the truth when I look down and I am fully clothe as well as he. I sigh in relief letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding and freeze.

"Wait did you just say Eric?"

Stan's POV

**Where's in hell is Kyle?** I keep calling him, but it says is not available and my texts won't get threw. He probably turn off his phone. I sigh. This isn't like Kyle at all and he didn't even come home yesterday. I called his parents house and his not there either. I feel like one of those distrusting housewives you see on reality shows the way I am acting. In spite of that, I can't help worry, and my mind keeps drifting to yesterday.

Why did Kyle kiss me? Does he like me? Last time I check I was a guy...Holy shit, is Kyle gay? I am pretty sure he dated girls before though. Maybe he's bi or just recently came to term with himself. Why didn't he tell me though? Now that I think about it, him and Kenny have been acting weird lately. Is this what they were going on about (Kyle being gay)?Meaning... he told Kenny and not me. I furrow my brow.

For some reason it angers me that he didn't think of telling me first. I am his best friend, not fucking Kenny.

Holy crap! am I pouting?

I sigh at how ridiculous I am being and sit down on the nearest couch trying to get a hold of my racing thoughts. I close my eyes and my mind not surprisingly goes back to yesterday.

Kyle was furious when I told him about Cartman. I try to play it off as though it didn't hurt, but Kyle has the unique ability as seeing right through me. Even though unnerving at times, it felt nice knowing someone cared. I can honestly say I am fortunate to have him as my best friend, and I would be lying if I said I didn't expect him to get beyond piss at the news. I did not however, expect him to crash his chapped lips against my own.

The kiss itself was quick, but in the short time Kyle's lips were on mine I felt something I can only describe as a rush of electricity traveling from my mouth all the way to my fingertips. It was amazing, and scared me shitless, confusing me. I had never experience something like that before without having a bit of alcohol before hand.

I wish Kyle was here so he could tell me what to do. Settling for the next best thing I pull out my cellphone and text Kenny.

A/N Hey guys sooooooo I know I haven't updated in forever which is why I tried to make this chapter longer than usual. I am sorry if it sucked! On another note what do you guys feel about adding a bit of bunny (pairing) in the story? *wiggles eyebrows* I can't help it, isn't Butter just adorable? Gaah :3 Also what POV should I do next guys?


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